[ He doesn't doubt Jill for a single moment, knowing that she doesn't blame him... and perhaps never would, especially with something like this, knowing, believing it when she says there's nothing to forgive. And he knows she's right. They're both safe, and that's all that matters.
But even still... the guilt and fear fights back in full force, makes it harder to let her words and touch comfort him, makes it so terribly hard to focus on anything else. Because he can't forgive himself. However much it may've been out of his control, and however much he understands that. Just as it was at Phoenix Gate, being nothing more than a child who'd had to bear witness to a betrayal of his countrymen, to horrors beyond his imagining, their minds aren't theirs to control when they sleep, nor whatever memories their dreams take form of.
But... just as with Phoenix Gate, it was still Joshua who rained fire down on Phoenix Gate before Ifrit ever came, killing so many of his own people who'd looked to him for strength, as their future leader, as the Phoenix... nearly killed Clive... And he shoulders that blame and guilt, he always has, and does now, nearly having done that to Jill.
He holds her a little tighter, a little closer, another silent apology he can't put to words as the tears spill over faster down his cheeks and he lets out a muffled cry into her shoulder. Shiva's cold -- Jill's cold a balm against the heat of the flames, more welcoming and comforting now than a fire could ever be. ]
...I-I dreamt of that night, Jill. [ It comes spilling out, like a confession, like he's trying to explain, his voice raw. ] Of Phoenix Gate. A-And I cannot bear the thought that I...
[ The words get caught in his throat and he lets out another small breath to cry. ] That I could have hurt you as I have hurt -- killed so many others, I--
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2024-04-01 01:20 pm (UTC)But even still... the guilt and fear fights back in full force, makes it harder to let her words and touch comfort him, makes it so terribly hard to focus on anything else. Because he can't forgive himself. However much it may've been out of his control, and however much he understands that. Just as it was at Phoenix Gate, being nothing more than a child who'd had to bear witness to a betrayal of his countrymen, to horrors beyond his imagining, their minds aren't theirs to control when they sleep, nor whatever memories their dreams take form of.
But... just as with Phoenix Gate, it was still Joshua who rained fire down on Phoenix Gate before Ifrit ever came, killing so many of his own people who'd looked to him for strength, as their future leader, as the Phoenix... nearly killed Clive... And he shoulders that blame and guilt, he always has, and does now, nearly having done that to Jill.
He holds her a little tighter, a little closer, another silent apology he can't put to words as the tears spill over faster down his cheeks and he lets out a muffled cry into her shoulder. Shiva's cold -- Jill's cold a balm against the heat of the flames, more welcoming and comforting now than a fire could ever be. ]
...I-I dreamt of that night, Jill. [ It comes spilling out, like a confession, like he's trying to explain, his voice raw. ] Of Phoenix Gate. A-And I cannot bear the thought that I...
[ The words get caught in his throat and he lets out another small breath to cry. ] That I could have hurt you as I have hurt -- killed so many others, I--